Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
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I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.