[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
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Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir