15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
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People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Bless you
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner