I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
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I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?