I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
This is a bad sign
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.