You Might Also Like
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I can’t stop laughing at this
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.