[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
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i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I hope they boil the right one.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.