Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
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Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.