Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
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Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything