just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
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Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.