I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
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“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Heroic Misunderstanding
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate