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We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.