I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
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In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years