Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
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[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Ugh
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
📽️movie date🎞️
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes