And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
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I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?