Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
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How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.