The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
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I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.