[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
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changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
#SCOTUS one-star review
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
DOOO EEEET
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.