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Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
If sheās playing Wheel of Fortune, and has ā_ONAL_ _UCKā left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But theyāre wrong. It was Johnson.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at āget drunk.ā
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: Itās a no from me.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
You know that button in the elevator with the firemanĀ“s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a firemanĀ“s hat.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now thereās some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.