I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
back to work
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic