My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
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Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware