A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
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*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Cndnsd Mlk
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
He’s cranky this morning
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me