HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
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if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
AM I BEING GASLIT????
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work