A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
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One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Tier 3 meme
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate