one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
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[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER