Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
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I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!