Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
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1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
What even happened today?
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March