The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
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It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face