“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
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Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.