mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
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Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?