I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
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“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I was bored.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I’ve been learning to cook.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much