This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
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Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
kids play hide and seek like
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.