HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
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Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*