There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
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Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.