My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
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“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”