My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
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Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping