*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
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WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
my sentiments exactly
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?