Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
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“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text