boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
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Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Art by Pastelkatto
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.