The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
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I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well