It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
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You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
#DesignFail
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.