*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
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*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.