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Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.