I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
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New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn