Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
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ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
christening a ship with an overripe banana
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?