airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
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My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
bias laundering edition
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone