Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
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My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on