People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.