Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
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I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Uh oh…
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.