he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
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Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
incredible
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.